Caveat Lector

Disclaimer: What follows below is a concoction of truths, half truths, measly doses of imagination and generous doses of malice. Read at your own risk!


The petite beauty was preening at her new nose while adjusting her hair extensions, when the news came… the plump beauty was contemplating whether exposing her baby bump would be a smart career move when the news came… the butt god was wondering whether his new film would pass the muster of the hinterland when the news came… the pint sized actor was passionately shoving his directorial inputs into the poor one film old director when the news came… the virago of a woman was calling up directors to push for roles for her wooden faced son- in between her reality show shoot- when the news came… and the star of the star was praying for a grandson when the news came. A few seconds of inaction and then a scramble for the blackberry! Who would get his 140 characters first? The saint had broken his fast and if you did not raise a toast, no, a candle to that, then who knows the Times Now kangaroo court might indict you for treachery!

“Last heard Prakash Jha is planning a film on Anna with who else but our Big B. Our best wishes. Finally a film where the superstar will not have to wear a wig”

River of smoke

1am, 6th September: The has been actress and now trying hard to be people’s politician was weeping bitterly and frantically calling one number. Once upon a time, she had ‘sung’ de de pyar de to him! Today all she, Jaya Prada, needed was some moral and if possible other non-mentionable support! Her political mentor, with a defective kidney in hand, had been picked up for a 4 year old scam. So why the f@#$ was Amitabh Bachchan not taking her call? Didn’t her knight in khadi lift him from the dumps and resurrect him on a quiz show? Didn’t he call him his elder brother? Didn’t he get his wife a Rajya Sabha ticket or better still didn’t he make him a farmer for a land deal? But today Amar Singh is a partyless drifter and ‘Paa’ has already got tax exemptions in Gujarat and our Big B is Modi Gujarat’s tourism ambassador! Don’t you dare talk about dead bodies. Bachchan is apolitical… he only talks development! But Prada won’t be left behind! Tears that were mere salt water in a forlorn room become magnetic under flashbulbs and so it finally drew Bachchan all the way from Jalsa to AIIMS, Delhi where The Kidney is lodged after bail (as on 20th September).

A letter from Indira Gandhi got him ‘Saat Hindustani’, years later a meeting between long time friend, Bal Thackeray and then PM Deve Gowda got him the beauty pageant contract for his now tanked ABCL. But time flows…episodes ebb away to give way to newer ones… former Miss World needs to marry a tree before tying the knot with his two expression, man boy actor son… the formal marriage is announced before a film release, then the news of a new member in the family is also announced before a film release (but Baby B failed to prevent the defeat of the rehash of classic action setpieces in the hands of the farty DK Bose).

But all this is inconsequential. The man has tweeted his support for Anna Saheb! So hail revolution! India against corruption! Big B against it too!

Last heard Prakash Jha is planning a film on Anna with who else but our Big B. Our best wishes. Finally a film where the superstar will not have to wear a wig!

Kher ka khel

You don’t get a lolly for guessing that the CBFC (Central Board of Film Certification) is partisan. When Rakesh Sharma’s documentary ‘Final Solution’ on the Gujarat riots was refused certification in 2004, it was a given since the BJP led NDA was at the Centre. Anupam Kher was the CBFC chairman. The same Kher allowed the other riot film ‘Amu’ (based on the 1984 Sikh riots) to be passed. Then of course Saint Sonia drubbed the BJP and the Congress led UPA assumed office. Soon a special committee cleared ‘Final Solution’ and almost simultaneously Kher was booted out. However Kher’s honeymoon with the BJP continues. Though he claims he is not affiliated to the BJP, just watch the passionate invocation of patriotism (read elitist jingoism) on ‘Your channel’ or watch him how seamlessly he dawns the role of BJP spokesman talking about hoisting the tri-colour in Kashmir while simultaneously conceding that the BJP will draw political mileage out of it. However in this, Mrs Kher (her first name has an extra r for numerological reasons but poor Kirron doesn’t realize that no matter how many r’s she adds to her name, her son will still remain a 2 paisa sidekick in 1 paisa films!) is unabashed! The all ‘heart’ lady is a BJP member. So when the party wholeheartedly supports Anna, can the footsoldiers remain behind?

A little aside: Before Aishwarya Rai’s bare back and milky hands had established Rituparno Ghosh on the national firmament, he had made a not much seen but gem of a film called ‘Bariwali’, produced by Anupam Kher starring Kirron Kher. Mrs Kher won the National Award for it in 2000. Now Kirron can’t speak a sentence of grammatically correct Bangla to save her life (watch the Bhansali kitchen drama) but doting hubby, err producer wrote ‘original’ in the column for dubbed/original in the entry form for the award. The director said that he hadn’t seen the final print of his own film. The poor dubbing artist Rita Koiral (quite a name in the Bengali soap circuit) went without recognition while Mrs. Kher received the medal as the dewy eyed Mr. Kher looked on!

But past is past! Today Anna is India and India is Anna!

B..l…ood, bikes and other stories

The red wig and the Hrithik clone failed to salvage the sci-fi monstrosity! Then she thought that playing 12 roles in a film would put her on a pedestal that the Kaifs and Kapoors could never scale but the film went on to be a ‘sleepathon’ of historic proportions. The ominous (meaning teenybopper) threat to drink blood too tanked along with the six husbands! Now Ms. Chopra threatens to unleash her vocal chords. Though she tweets God and India are on Anna’s side but what she means is she hopes God and India should be on her side in spite of it all. And we swear by her nose and other jobs to comply!

It’s been 3 summers since the canary trunks and no hits to boot and a heart ache to nurse. Though ‘New York’ did well, it was one of those films that do well for reasons other than good performance! So when Johny boy says, ‘We are a force against corruption’ and the release date of ‘Force’ draws closer, you force yourself to believe, “He must have learnt acting by now!”

The blue film, I mean the blue coloured film ‘Sawariya’ followed by the black, blue, green ‘Guzarish’… 2 duds in a row! Bhansali’s doctor has advised him meditation! But how can he, when his production releases next month? So who can help but Anna. Thus on the lines of ‘My Friend Pinto’, ‘My Friend Anna’ tees were distributed on the Ramlila grounds. Sure shot mileage with the freebie of instant revolution! What more could you ask for?

Dame Shabana has also worn the Anna camp. Don’t you remind her of the birthday cake shaped like a Dharavi chawl that she nibbled at with her friends! The New Wave has long died…yet the thinking man’s sex symbol tag refuses to leave her! So a little wine here, a little dharna there and you see red? Unfair!

And Bollwood’s resident reformer Aamir Khan too lent his support to the movement! For someone who makes money out of flatulence, who sets up schools in Ladakh (in cinema) and delivers homilies on education on reality shows and also ghost directs all his films ( at least unlike Kamal Hasan, he doesn’t insist on playing all the roles!), the Anna stage was the place where he found home! Two megalomaniacs, control freaks and self proclaimed innovators! Duo of the decade!

There were many others too who twittered, howled, cried… A Lara Dutta here or an Abhishek Bachchan there… does it count? At least commend them that they took some time out of their back breaking schedule of planning post retirement careers.


Bollywood’s resident Gabbar, Ram Gopal Verma, is planning a film on Anna titled ‘Anna Raj’! Rumours have it that he will play Anna to Bachchan’s Kapil Sibal (this way Bachchan will enter Guinness book for playing hero and villain in films based on the same subject) while ‘your channel’s’ Goswami will be played by Junior B. The script might be tweaked to find a role for Baby B as well.

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