Boozers can’t be Choosers

May the curse befall on that bleached blonde-mop Boorish Johnson and his satanic partner Farage!

Congratulations fellow patriots,” said the triumphant headmaster of the Brexiter School, Nigel Big-Mouthed Farage, after 52 percent Britons were convinced by him that divorcing the grand communal kitchen EU was better than having to put up with ubiquitous Romanian sarmale and Polish golabki. On the historic dawn of June 24, Farage declared that “a dawn is breaking on an independent kitchen of the United Kingdom and we are finally free of diktats from the uppity chefs in Brussels. We can now have food of our choice. We can have bananas curved, straight, bendy or in whatever shape we wish to have them.” Farage was greeted with thunderous applause by his supporters aka Brexiters. “This is a victory for ordinary people, for decent people, for those patriotic Britons, who like me, live off a staple diet of Sun, Sunday Times, Telegraph and Mail,” he said to the jubilant crowd.

While Leave supporters are obviously rejoicing, some of the Remain supporters are ruing the fact that Brexiters have literally ruined their party, as the erstwhile continental buffet system is lost forever. “May the curse befall on that bleached blonde-mop Boorish Johnson and his satanic partner Farage! They robbed us of our happiness,” said a dejected Remain campaigner, leaning his head to the bar counter in a North London pub, “Previously one would cruise to Calais and grab booze like candies. But now with pound taking a hell of pounding you pay over the odds for the stuff. One could as well retire to Himalayas after this.”

“I think,” his friend chipped in, “the old proverb should be rearranged now as: Boozers cannot be choosers!” In the post-Brexit moment, his remark was treated like Donald Trump, inviting solemn and thoughtful looks rather than laughter and jesting.

In the post-Brexit moment, his remark was treated like Donald Trump, inviting solemn and thoughtful looks rather than laughter and jesting.

In the meantime, Sinn Fein is asking for their share of democracy. “If Farage and company can have bananas of their choices,” said Martin McGuinness and Norther Ireland’s Deputy First Minister, “then nobody should go bananas if we ask for a referendum on United Ireland.”

As if things were not weird and ironic enough already, Scotland’s Nicola Sturgeon has asked a tongue-twistingly curious question: We Scots voted overwhelmingly against this divorce but now that the divorce has been imposed on us, we will seek another divorce so that this divorce can be undone, at least for us.

In this season of divorces, I am reminded of a remark someone made the other day: the can of worms has begun to make a leak. God save Europe!

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It seems what Raghuram Rajan was to India’s fiscal policy; Praveen Too-Good-Ya is to its pervasive problem of erectile dysfunction. While Rajan wanted things down, Too-Good-Ya wants them firmly up—Rajan targeted inflation, while Too-Good-Ya is concerned about phallic deflation.

“Hindu men, go home and worship your manhood,” Too-Good-Ya addressed a gathering of prospective phallic warriors at Jambusar and exhorted them to produce babies like Apple produces iPhones. And, as a measure to reverse the plummeting manhood among Hindu men and to regain their classical Virat status, Mr. Too-Good-Ya announced his magical 500 bucks remedy.

“Remember,” Too-Good-Ya told the crowd of newly inducted chaddi-warriors, “This great land of ours has produced Yoga, Ayurveda, Idli Dosa and what not. We have been here when nobody was around. Look at the Ram Sethu, we made it when Egyptians didn’t even know how to make a dough. So, no, no, no…we need no foreign solutions to our internal problems.”

While Rajan wanted things down, Too-Good-Ya wants them firmly up—Rajan targeted inflation, while Too-Good-Ya is concerned about phallic deflation.

He went on to announce, “My dear Hindu brothers, I have brought to you my newly developed swadeshi avishkaar: Amrit Jago-Mohan-Jago.” The potion comes in different sized sachets, featuring equestrian Too-Good-Ya waging a counter love-jihad.

However, the conspiracy theorists and leftist arm-chair intellectuals see this launch of Amrit Jago-Mohan-Jago as another attempt at mass saffronisation. “First, Baba Ramdev introduced Patanjali noodles and our afternoon snacks were saffronised. Now this Amrit thing is being launched. What does Modi want to achieve by this? Saffronisation of our bedrooms?” asked a JNU scholar at Ganga dhaba.

“Such anti-national statements are expected from JNU,” said VHP’s national spokesperson, “but see, India has to compete globally. We tried at NSG but failed, we tried Make in India but failed, we tried Swachh Bharat but didn’t succeed much. So ultimately, we came to the conclusion that our strength lies in well-rehearsed rhetoric, Yoga promotion and marketing of ancient medicines, which are sold in billions worldwide. Hence we launched this Amrit Jago-Mohan-Jago, which is also our answer to Pfizer’s Viagra. And the good thing is that it is three in one: Made in India, Made for India and Making India.”

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According to the expert linguistics at Kashmir University, the PDP textbook has been expanding ever since party’s shrouded-in-mystery inception in the late 1990s. PDP, which has a knack for bringing in newer terms and concomitant confusions into Kashmir’s rich political lexicon, has added dozen new phraseologies to its kit in the last one year alone. If “satellite townships”, which gave it a kind of sci-fi orientation, was discarded, over the few months, the PDP has come up with “separate enclaves”, “composite townships” and “separate colonies” and the latest of them all, “transit camps”. “Semantically speaking,” says Quoamuk Gamkhaar, an assistant professor of linguistics at KU, “even the Nazis weren’t as confused as PDP on mere nomenclature thing.”

There may be some confusion in how PDP names its projects, but whatever they say or do it feels like one is listening to some kindergarten song. For example, their alliance with BJP and the subsequent events evoke this rhyme: Hickory, Dickory, Dock/The mufti ran up the clock/The clock struck four/The mufti hit the floor .

“While the Nazis had exceptionally talented people to brag about,” observes Junaid (without) Motto, a lanky Aaya-Ram-Gaya-Ram and a member of National Conference, “PDP’s spokesperson suffers from Freudian maladies and he behaves like a second-grade Goebbels.”

There may be some confusion in how PDP names its projects, but whatever they say or do it feels like one is listening to some kindergarten song.

Because PDP’s spokesperson keeps correcting and re-correcting his government’s statements and keeps giving clarifications, he has been awarded an additional portfolio: Wazeer Baraye Taleem Wa Tardeed (The Minister of Education and Corrigenda).

According to PolitiFact, the organisation that fact checks statements of politicians, “Statements of Name Akh-tarr are most difficult to evaluate in the world.” The organisation says PDP ministers, especially, are more likely to get ratings on either side of the Truth-O-Meter scale, because their statement can change within a day without clearing which one is to be taken as the final one. “So typically,” says PolitiFact, “on a given week, a PDP statement can be both true and false.” For example, they will say that the new industrial policy will be reviewed, but they will add later “we didn’t mean modified”; they will say no Sainik colonies will be constructed, but they will later add “we meant not for the non-state subjects”. Some of their statements are so bizarre that a new scale needs to be introduced. For example, Has-been Draw-boo, the PDP minister of Elite Hallucinations and Grandiose Semantics, recent statement, “Kashmir is a free society and let the booze flow freely” can score high on the scale of ‘pants on fire’, but it is too outlandish to be considered in the first place.

Meanwhile, the Cheap Minstrel of Papa Di Party (PDP), Mehbooba Mufti has won from the Anantnag constituency, despite the election being boycotted by some 70 percent voters. But that does not matter for the PDP media managers in Srinagar press colony who are in seventh heaven presently. They are claiming that this victory will allow their Baji (Mehbooba) to continue pursuing her father’s famous vision, besides, throwing iftar and other parties for them, every now and then.

Meanwhile, the Cheap Minstrel of Papa Di Party (PDP), Mehbooba Mufti has won from the Anantnag constituency, despite the election being boycotted by some 70 percent voters. But that does not matter for the PDP media managers in Srinagar press colony who are in seventh heaven presently.

The old skeptics, however, remain skeptical about PDP and continue to ask questions, “For heavens sake! What’s this overrated Mufti’s vision thing all about? Stop this crap, otherwise our poor undergrads will soon have to answer in their English papers: Q 1: Compare and contrast Macbeth’s visions with Muftis’ visions.”

His friend added, almost casually: “In free Kashmir, rather the question will be: Who was a better woman, Lady Macbeth or Lady Mufti? Elaborate.”