Prologue:
Raw materials: Scenes from the Satyajit Ray classic Shatranj Ke Khilari (based on the Premchand text),Rapunzel’s never ending hair-like facebook status updates, sundry newspaper reports- from disparaging to the glowing, the ongoing track of a popular daily soap and a six pack.
End product: Something like an Arcelor-Mittal Orbit. Depending on your sense of aesthetics, you decide whether it’s a grotesque and vulgar abomination or the paragon of motion and dynamism!
I
“‘Impossible’ is not a word in my dictionary, well I should have checked before buying it then!!:p”
Holy matrimony with the First Daughter in 1997. The faux jewellery and handicrafts exporter was set for the big league. Partnership with India’s largest realty firm, DLF Ltd., acquisition of large acres of land in Haryana and Rajasthan, stake in a hotel in Delhi… yes, Robert Vadra had arrived. Just look at the growth arc and you know that the trying-hard-to-be-funny-and-cool status update on facebook is not just another status after all. The man has lived up to his words, weight by weight, inch by inch. Yet, the Economic Times and Sunday Guardians of the world keep insinuating Gandhi connections, keep lumping the protein bar hogging, weight pumping dynamic businessman to 2G, 3G, CWG and what not… So what does one do? Simply, say, “Well, time will tell” and then switch off, but not before sharing your favourite song with your facebook friends: Selena Gomez’s “I Love you like a love song”.
“And I keep hitting repeat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby”
Yes… six packed Robert Vadra of the wavy muscles and the shiny cleavage, the golf loving Robert Vadra of the DLFs and swashbuckling bikes who also loves his mush and flaunts it. Yet, you only talk corruption?
II
Nawab Wajed Ali Shah was a lover of the arts. He danced with his courtesans, composed songs, wrote poetry, and cried listening to ghazal renditions…all this, while Lord Dalhousie was writing his suspension order citing poor administration. The idea of transposing that image of a leader blissfully ensconced in a bubble to today’s context has always excited me. A leader who keeps cycling along Lutyens’ Delhi while the nation spirals from one disaster to the next… Just look at the parallels! Replace Rumi with Gomez and courts with lush gardens. And add to that – as FDI Singh professes his love for Bush, Iron Vadra compares Obama to Mandela and evokes his patriotic fervour at being able to listen to Obama live in Parliament. Yet, Mrs. Sonia Gandhi prevents me from resorting to such an easy trope. Vadraji has clearly expressed his desire to be a public representative, but is he too much of a loose cannon? A friend even wrote to him on facebook, “Dynamism and humbleness is a lethal combination and you possess both…people need that in a leader.” To that, Vadraji tried rhythm, “Always positive, fantastic!” Then, why the silence after that? If Rip Van Winkle Gandhi can remain the youth leader, hit the dirt tracks with a baby face, then why can’t the son-in-law do the same?
Yet, Balika Vadhu, one of the most seen soaps on the Indian telly shows the family making a sarpanch out of a timid daughter-in-law while disowning the son. Will Sonia Gandhi take note (Winkle Gandhi has not even won UP and Bihar for all that hobnobbing)? Till she takes note, let us return to the original proposition of Wajed Ali Shah. So if Robert isn’t a leader, how can we compare him with the nawab?
However, Premchand and then Ray solve the puzzle. Think of Mir Roshan Ali and Mirza Sajjad Ali in Shatranj ke Khilari. Mirza refuses to allow the plangent waves of desire flowing from his wife’s body to overcome his passion/obsession for chess, and Mir fails to realise that his wife sends him off to play chess so she can while away her afternoons with her paramour… Note, neither of them are Nawabs but they are ancestrally well endowed, as in landed… Now let marriage with the Gandhi lady replace ancestry and chess with hours at the gym. So there you have it! But wait! Hold your horses! Do not jump to the wives parallel! When was this about Priyanka Gandhi? Please let her off in peace to campaign for her brother whenever Rai Bareilly and Amethi go to poll. For the rest, she doesn’t exist, for all we know.
III
“What a ride that was. An achievement of 104 kilometres.
Well, I got to share with my FB friends!”
and then another, “Cm-on after a 104k ride what are you expecting… I enjoy a spa treatment … and did a bit of abs routine!!”
That’s the fitness week segment. Yes, each week Vadraji announces his exercise regimen and if you think these are just dry posts, think again. Each post is accompanied by a pic of the man in body hugging tees showing off his bulges. Sometimes near a swimming pool, sometimes in a hotel lobby, at some other time on a ship deck. Excitable they are! One man squeals, “Indian version of Greek God with a moustache!!!J” while a lady slurps, “Old wine getting better each day.” Yet, Madam refuses to spare a word on his leadership potential.
Not that, this neglect affects Vadraji. Outwardly at least, it doesn’t. He keeps reeling off his fitness routine on facebook. Inspiring stories, these! Knocking off 20 kilos, eating small portions of everything and not dieting. Then, sharing the pleasures of purchasing new pets, consoles, bikes, cars or headphones. Gems, each!
IV
Politics/Ministry/Party position… may or may not happen but has Arbaaz Khan checked out his photos? Does Salman Khan need a brother in Dabang 2?
“I had a person in the gym, harassing to talk on some political issues. I told the person, the only way he could get 5 minutes with me, is if he would to a bench press the weights I would lift and that also 15 reps. He did not know If I was serious or kidding and awaited a smile to show up on my face, which did not happen and I went back to my set and told him, your next !! He scooted on the pretext of an urgent call.”
(Please note that the typos are not because the subeditor didn’t get his pay cheque on time. They have been copy pasted from Vadraji’s wall.)
Some more Dabangg or Singham:
“After a great workout, most people tend to look their best, muscle definition wise… So he blatantly tells me, if you make me like you, I want to gift you a “Range Rover”, I smiled and thought I have better cars than the Range Rover.”
Has Rupa publications or Aastha or any of the other spirituality spewing channels read his facebook posts? If yes, then why not a diet book or a wellness talk show? If babas can become politicians and writers changemakers, can’t a would-be politician become a baba and/or a writer? Or what about a fitness video à la Shilpa Shetty?
“I have also been completely focused on the love handles area for a week and I can feel a difference. The best method to taper the sides of your stomach area is if you use the weights machine…”
If you read carefully, each journal or newspaper has some pet phrases. So if one newspaper talks sparkling chandeliers and wines, another magazine (from Delhi) keeps harping on appreciating complexities and nuances through weekly videos. Similarly, Kindle too has its jargons, one being micro-narratives! So there! Amidst the meta narratives of billion dollar scams, slimy middlemen and tapped phones, do not forget the micro-narrative of the businessman-cum-loyal Gandhi by default who, besides signing real estate deals, also loves his biceps and waxed chest, his bikes and headphones, and his music!
