Orchestrators Of Narratives

I know you cried because you loved Prince. I know some of you didn’t even know his name before but still feel bad. I know you shed terabytes of tears online.

I heard Prince died. You heard too? I bet you did. Of course everyone did. He was 57, wasn’t he? You see, we even know that he died “suddenly”. This news was conveyed to me by that grumpy old josser BBC. You might have heard it from her sassy American cousin NYT or some other hoity-toity pressmen! You see, I also know Prince died without a will and has left a mess of a fortune for his siblings and half-siblings to fight over, which, according to lawyer Howard E King, would be “a huge tragedy”. You see, the Western media still produce great thumbsuckers on dead people. I mean some dead people, of course. And, as Prince sung it: You turn on the telly and every other story is tellin’ you somebody died. By somebody, I mean Prince.

But, I was wondering, did you read the news on 18 April? Yes, a few days before your current mourning spell started suddenly. The black fellas and the Mediterranean? No, nothing crops up? Cannot remember? Well, if I can help, I am talking about the ones who actually sank. I mean died. Or perhaps were made to die. Okay, probably you don’t know. Maybe you were also bathing in the purple rain and missed the news!

But please don’t get me wrong here. I don’t mean to engage you in useless tittle-tattle. I understand your grief, you kindhearted people. You emotional creatures of almighty God, created so passionately by him or her whatever. I know you cried because you loved Prince. I know some of you didn’t even know his name before but still feel bad. I know you shed terabytes of tears online. I know you miss him and want to read and watch yet one more story about the good fella Prince, who died “suddenly”, and whose sudden death, according to British Broadcasting Crap, “shocked people around the world.” And why would you not be shocked? After all, the tragedy has been deeply personal to you, the same way Bowie’s and Winehouse’s sudden deaths took away precious something from you before this latest tragedy hit you like a drone strike; and it must have certainly left a big crater in your generous human hearts, big enough to sink refugee boats in it without a trace or a megabyte of a flicker. It must have shaken you like Ecuador or may be like Aleppo.

After all, the tragedy has been deeply personal to you, the same way Bowie’s and Winehouse’s sudden deaths took away precious something from you before this latest tragedy hit you like a drone strike; and it must have certainly left a big crater in your generous human hearts, big enough to sink refugee boats in it without a trace or a megabyte of a flicker.

So, let us sing together in memory of Prince: Sign of times mess with your mind/hurry before it’s too late.

* * *

According to our sources, the Executive Council of the Expert Propagandists on the Kashmir Affairs (EPOKA) recently called an emergency meeting in New Delhi, in which the members have expressed their deep concern and anguish at the emerging recent happenings around Kashmir.

“Is it boiling?” the question was asked in the meeting.

“No, it is simmering I think,” someone reportedly said.

“Guys, what is cooking up here?” the confused Cheat-en Badbakht, who has been newly inducted in the club, was apparently heard mumbling.

“Kashmir,” he was told.

Our sources said that lot of things were covered in the meeting. But due to the charged-up atmosphere, much was lost in the steam.

The sources informed that the disquieted members of EPOKA brainstormed to manage the way the K-word was playing out publicly, though they also acknowledged that it was no longer easy for them to manage it as could be done previously.

“Why can’t it be done now?” confused Cheat-en Badbakht had asked.

“Apparently, because no one takes our shit seriously now,” [we are still verifying the authenticity of this remark].

Our sources said that lot of things were covered in the meeting. But due to the charged-up atmosphere, much was lost in the steam. So, here we can only present you the scattered bits of the leak out.

“Dear members,” said Damn-it Das, smacking the table with his large primitive hands, “there is an urgent need for coordination and synergy this time. Kashmiri intelligentsia is utilising diverse platforms and this is an alarming situation. We need to check these orchestrators of narratives.”

“Kashmiri intelligentsia is utilising diverse platforms and this is an alarming situation. We need to check these orchestrators of narratives.”

“Wow! Orchestrators of narratives! It sounds like Beethoven’s Fifth symphony, doesn’t it?” Cheat-en Badbakht was seen giggling like a high school girl, inviting a quick glacial look from the senior EPOKA member Arty Tick-loo. Poor Badbakht was reportedly subjected to severe dressing-down by Arty Tick-loo, who, our sources informed, is known for her po-faced comments and discursive schizophrenia. Reputedly, she is also part of a notorious online gang called Modi-rate Vices who take screen shots of their adversaries’ posts and spite them in their immoderate voices.

“Mr Badbakht, this is serious matter and not your Nach Baliye, stop laughing,” Tick-loo was heard lashing out at Mr. Badbakht.

“But wait, isn’t Ragdo Ragdo also a dance form?” [We couldn’t verify the authenticity of this remark].

Our sources informed that after this severe reprimand Cheat-en Badbakht stayed silent throughout the meeting, wearing a drooping face but darting his bespectacled eyes on all directions.

“If Kashmiris write one article we should respond twice or more,” suggested General Has-nine, the senior member of the club, “In our military lingo we call it area domination. Kashmiris know the glossary.”

Reportedly, an EPOKA member was overheard whispering to him, “When we write open letters to Kashmiris during internet blockade, we make an ass of ourselves. So keep that in mind.”

“Mr Pro-I-ween Saw-me, please use balanced spices, you are kind of overdoing Islamism ingredient in your pieces. You should make them more digestible at least,” Damn-it Das was heard saying to Pro-I-ween Saw-me. This remark, according to the sources, sent roomy nostrils of Mr Saw-me flaring and he retorted, “Oh, come on Mr DD, no one can do Kashmir dish like me. Intelligence guys are my chaddi-buddies, you know, don’t you?”

Our sources believe that this remark of Mr Pro-I-ween Saw-me can be construed as a veiled threat, a subtle display of power or, plausibly, reckless aftereffects of binge drinking.

In the meanwhile, the executive members of EPOKA welcomed Cheat-en Badbakht and gave him some advice and tips. Reportedly, an EPOKA member was overheard whispering to him, “When we write open letters to Kashmiris during internet blockade, we make an ass of ourselves. So keep that in mind.”

Damn-it Das, who has long been sojourning in Kashmir, also had an advice for the new member, “Your letter was okay, but see you are not supposed to write things like ‘there is little pro-India sentiment in Kashmir’. No.”

“But, Mr. DD isn’t that right?”

To be accepted in the workshop, the prospective candidates will be required to demonstrate an aptitude for wordplay and underhand skulduggery and, optionally, they should have a rudimentary knowledge about the facets of the Indian propaganda on Kashmir.

“Well, you are not supposed to write about certain right things, as much about certain things in a right way.”

Our sources said that it is difficult to describe the kind of expression Cheat-en Badbakht had on hearing this piece of shitty, I mean, pithy advice from DD, but it was not unlike when you realize your kidney has been stolen during your sleep.

Our sources also informed that they heard Arty Tick-loo whispering to meaty josser General Has-nine “Is that chap even reliable, sir?” To which the old General apparently said, “His letter will certainly be judged as one of the three mistakes he has made in his life.”

“What are his other two mistakes?” Arty Tick-loo asked.

“The other two mistakes were him becoming a raunchy novelist in the first place and then a laughing stock on a TV show.”

In the meeting, the sources informed, the EPOKA members decided to start a workshop, in which some of the finest propagandists in the industry will teach tricks of the trade. The theory class will run for a full week except for Friday, which will be kept for virtual field trip to downtown Srinagar. The idea is to spot the black flags in the crowd of bandana masked youngsters. To be accepted in the workshop, the prospective candidates will be required to demonstrate an aptitude for wordplay and underhand skulduggery and, optionally, they should have a rudimentary knowledge about the facets of the Indian propaganda on Kashmir. The workshop will begin in the morning with a brief prayer: Together, we believe and want others to believe the switch of Kashmiri hearts and minds lie in Rawalpindi. Nowhere else can it lie, not even in the Kashmiri body itself. Amen.