In this month's satire, Muhammad Tahir examines the illnesses that haunt the senior citizens of Indian politics. How will the BJP deal with Advani's occasional attacks of conscience, and does Mufti Sayeed see (politically) dead people?
The Lalitgate scandal badly embroiled the BJP government in a political controversy and rattled its legendary “56-inch chest”, which did not seem strong enough to handle the heat of the controversy. The ghost of Lalit Modi now haunts Vasundhara Raje, the CM of Rajasthan, who apparently signed an undertaking with a condition that her moral and legal impropriety remain confidential to even the Bharat sarkar. The opposition parties demanded the resignation of External Affairs Minister Sushma Swaraj for trying to be an Extra-Affairs Minister, acting on a selective humanitarian impulse by extending illegal help to Lalit Kumar Modi, who wanted to travel on British documents.
As you already know, this is the same Lalit Kumar Modi who pulled the wool over our eyes while showing us those scantily-clad swadeshi (and a few videshi) cheerleaders dancing to the tune of “Paisa paisa karti hai, Paise pe kyun marti hai.” Our sub-continental proverbs tell us “Loha lohe ko kaatta hai [iron cuts iron]” and “Zehr zehr ko maarta hai [poison kills the poison]”; it follows that “Modi Modi ka sardard hai [Modi is Modi’s headache].”
However, some people—and if conspiracy theorists are to be believed, fingers are pointed only at one man whose last name evokes memories of a Chinese hero—have provided an interesting twist to the whole story. Former cricketer and now a BJP member Kirti Azad posted an interesting tweet with the hashtags #BJPs #AsteenKaSaanp (roughly translated as ‘BJP’s Judas’), linking Arnab Goswami to this alleged Judas. Virat Bhakts, ever ready to pounce on the seditious, took no time to spank this yet undisclosed AsteenKaSaanp. Because this traitor had let the world know how hollow the patriotism of some of the members of BJP is, he should, according to these Virat Bakhts, be charged for sedition. After all, you cannot shout that the emperor has no clothes.
Because this traitor had let the world know how hollow the patriotism of some of the members of BJP is, he should, according to these Virat Bakhts, be charged for sedition. After all, you cannot shout that the emperor has no clothes.
“Look,” said one of the bhakts, “Sushma Ji is a chhota pack with bada dhamaka and people envy her because she is a gajjab ki minister and does least amount of BS in her bhaashans. But some people want to hurt her image and we strongly believe that somebody from inside [Bhaktistan] deliberately leaked the email exchange between the British MP and Sushmaji.”
There are reports that the former chariot-driving BJP stalwart and now celebrated deadwood Shri Advani has expressed his serious doubts about the leadership of Modi. According to insider sources Advani, in a constant delusional state, blabbers all the time: “Modi mera ghoda le gaya. Modi mera ghoda le gaya [Modi has stolen my horse].”
Upset with Advani’s remarks, the RSS top leadership is planning to award him a suitable post. “We stand by all our members in good and bad,” a BJP insider told us, “and are committed to their welfare even if they go nuts and speak gobbledygook like Yogi Adityanath and Sakhshi Maharaj. And as far as Advaniji is concerned, he has been an asset for the Parivar when there was a spark inside him; he could drive a chariot through the country and bring down big domes. Now, given his lapsing memory and other ailments like occasional bouts of truth-speaking, we think he desperately needs regular doses of Virat tonic and bhakti churan, which the Parivar will provide to him free of cost. Since he pines for the lost limelight, we are going to create a new organisation called the Vishwa Yoga Parishad and make him its head. It will keep him busy and make his mind stay at peace, so that Modi could keep creating a fool’s paradise for millions of middle class Indians in peace.”
According to insider sources Advani, in a constant delusional state, blabbers all the time: “Modi mera ghoda le gaya. Modi mera ghoda le gaya.”
Meanwhile, in the state of Rajasthan, the excited Congressis have started cashing in on the controversy by going village after village promoting a new song: “Chhota Modi paisa khaye/Bada Modi muh na khulaye/Bhaiya ab aap hi bataye/Ye kahan apna chehra chhupaye! [The younger Modi embezzles money/The elder Modi keeps his silence/ Brother, now pray tell me/Where they are going to hide their faces?]”
It was recently brought to our attention that for many years we have been boiling Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) and lead for just two minutes and mistaking it for a ‘Khushiyon Ki Recipe’. Nestle was earning Rs 2,500 crore by making us consume what could make Barbie dolls dance for hours.
The brand ambassador of Maggi India, Madhuri Dixit-Nene, had to face a lot of embarrassment over the issue and she immediately tweeted: “Like most of India, I am also a victim and a facilitator of capitalist greed. I was very concerned after recent reports and met with the Nestlé team. Nestlé explained that they always place profit first and have the highest quality standards to manage PR, and they will make sure I get my payment on time via the safest transaction routes.”
It was recently brought to our attention that for many years we have been boiling Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) and lead for just two minutes and mistaking it for a ‘Khushiyon Ki Recipe’.
In the meantime, a case has been instituted in a Barabanki court not only against Madhuri Dixit but also against Amitabh Bachhan and Preity Zinta. But if past judgements are anything to go by, the Supreme Court of Bollywood will exonerate them, because in this highest court of sycophancy and you-scratch-my-back-and-I-scratch-yours, no star is ever guilty. If you come to see a few hashtags in solidarity of film stars trending on Twitter, please don’t be surprised.
Something is rotten in the state of Kashmir. Our sources tell us that the rot begins inside the mind of 79-year-old CM Mufti Sayeed, who, much like John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, is suffering from a psychological disorder that makes him imagine himself sharing his Gupkar Road office with Atal Behari Vajpayee and General Musharaff. Sometimes he complains to Musharaff against Vajpayee’s sleep-inducing Hindi poems, which seem to make his old mind go wobbly. At other times, he complains to Vajpayee about Musharaff stealing his self-rule idea and calling it a “four-point formula” and then having the balls to call him a “Katputli Wazeer-e-Aala [puppet chief minister]”.
The source even recorded a bit of the Mufti’s delusional conversation.
Our sources tell us that the rot begins inside the mind of 79-year-old CM Mufti Sayeed, who, much like John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, is suffering from a psychological disorder that makes him imagine himself sharing his Gupkar Road office with Atal Behari Vajpayee and General Musharaff.
Mufti: Atalji, if we open the LOC and this border and that border and let trade flourish between borders, we can have peace hee peace and aman ki aasha!
Vajpayee: Mufti sahib…first let me recite a poem. It is fresh from my old oven. Yeh kya border-border karte ho/Alochana toh sabhi ki karte ho/Kintu humari nahi karte ho/Mufti sahib, sach batana humko/Yeh jo tum Atalji-Atal ji karte rehte ho/Kya tum Atalji par marte ho?/Ya yeh sab kursi ke liye karte ho?
Musharaf: Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Kya ragda hai, kya ragda hai! Atal Ji you are shaair-e-fantastic.
“Tell him if there are not enough followers to beat Omar, we can get some help from Nagpur also. I have heard they have built up a strong Laskhar-e-Troll.”
Our sources have also informed us that Mufti Sayeed recently sent for one of his bureaucrats for an “emergency meeting”. He asked him why his Twitter account was not as popular as Omar Abdullah’s. The babu, who takes care of information stuff for the government, told the old man: “Sir, respectfully I beg to say that you have not yet signed up for a Twitter account”.
To which Mufti demanded, “I have heard Omar is quite a hit online. If being online is so important, hamara yeh hai ki open my Twitter account as soon as possible”.
When the Babu, after receiving the directions from the CM, was about to leave the office he was stopped by Mufti and asked to wait outside.
Inside the chamber, Mufti told his personal assistant: “I don’t trust these bureaucrats. Go check online if he has opened my Twitter account or not.”
“But sir, respectfully I beg to state that he is yet to reach his office, as you told him to wait outside.”
“Okay, okay. Go tell him to leave now and open my account. And listen, tell him if there are not enough followers to beat Omar, we can get some help from Nagpur also. I have heard they have built up a strong Laskhar-e-Troll.”
