Well, how do you describe the current state of commentary in the game of cricket? It has got to the point where ‘excuse me for the cliché’ has itself become a cliché. It is, as the cliché goes, in dire straits. Cricket has always been showcased and hailed as a technically challenging sport, which is difficult for an outsider to understand. It is a sport which relies heavily on the pundits, aka ex-players, and their depiction of the same.
And if we second this logic, then we should also agree on the fact that all the commentary box loungers can shout something else than “the key to playing Afridi is to play him like a medium pacer” whenever the poor old guy comes on to bowl, having already come out of his 15th retirement from all forms of the game. And this doesn’t help the batsman either who goes back to yell at his coach, “You never told me to look out for that googly.”
The last bit of creative commentary probably came from Michael Holding during the late 90s’ when he suggested the 30 over formula. “Want to know the score after 50 overs? Take the score after 30 overs and double it.” And just like the Indian batting line-up of that time, every single pundit voted for the idea, so much so that the ICC decided to give it a try by introducing two flexible power plays, and put the theory to rest. Ravi Shastri bellowed out, “This idea will take over the game like a tracer bullet.” And Bill Lowry must have shouted out at the middle of the night in an empty Lords parking lot, “It’s all happening out there.”
“So then, who could be the inspiration for the next great commentator? My bet’s on Ian Botham.”
And talking of creative commentary, the BCCI, sorry ICC decided to use the precious little time available between the IPL and it’s dwarf brother, World T20 to hold a commentary training workshop for the kids ‘DLF presents Shouting Shit for Toddlers’. Harsha Bhogle applauded the ICC for such a ‘noble’ initiative, “That is exquisite timing from the ICC. Played on the up, and just over the test fielder. It is the T20s which gets the ‘young crowds’ going. Take the case of some of us doing the IPL commentary and sight seeing in Sri Lanka. We froth at the mouth just at the mention of DLF. Danny Morrison does it so much that sometimes he needs to be controlled with a shock collar. It is DLF that gets Tony Greig castled between the legs, apart from watching the thumping beauty of the Sri Lankan cheerleaders.” To this, Bumble reacted, “BOOM BOOM Afridi”. How about ‘DROP DROP Farhat’, Bumble?
Out of all the attending kids, the ones who got selected to represent their province for further training engaged in the following conduct:
- They were taught to engage in senseless embellishment in interpreting their surroundings during commentary, which is indicative of a troubling underlying condition that first came to the fore when Sunil Gavaskar came out of the loo after his first taste of Mishti Doi.
- They were instructed to demand that they immediately, and without further delay, travel to Port of Spain and present themselves to Mr. Michael Holding for the remainder of the year-long season, in order for him to refashion their commentary style in a manner which is more understated, charming and balanced.
- Well, of course, they were also instructed to spend some time with Mahendra Singh Dhoni in order to understand the use of clichéd phrases and Rohit Sharma on a regular basis. And then listen to Kumar Sangakkara’s MCC lecture on loop every night till they could write it down word by word.
- Furthermore, they were instructed to stand in front of the mirror for at least 30 minutes a day and re-enact some of Danny Morrison’s hyperactive and irrelevant behaviour, which according to social workers in Kolkata and Trinidad, is the primary reason for autism among children, aged between 5 and 15.
So then, who could be the inspiration for the next great commentator? My bet’s on Ian Botham. I mean he is the absolute best when it comes to shite commentary. I get the feeling that he took one too many hits in the head during his playing days or worked part time as John Terry’s personal life consultant. There’s no guessing what he is going to say next, and that’s his charm. He is hardly bothered by evidences and facts. “The English are really lucky to still have all their wickets intact, that was a clearly out. The third umpire’s shite, I tell you.” So kids, always remember, it pays to spew shite.
And if you are conscious of the thought that you are representing your country in that screaming lounge, you could always find role models in the Michael Slaters of the world. They go orgasmic just at the sight of an Aussie hitting a boundary, or Mitchell Johnson finally hitting the cut strip, or Michael Clarke’s tattoo. And if you believe an India-Pakistan bilateral series is the only way forward for the two countries, Rameez Raza is the one for you. No, Wasim Akram is too technically abled to inspire you. And if you want to stay domestic, why look beyond Sivaramakrishnan? He will talk in favour of his Kings even after they have lost the match.
And as we talk of cricket commentators inspiring billions, Infosys founder, Narayanmurthy, has praised an IIT-Madras student for developing a new computing language. He calls it ‘Shastri++’. A simple Hellowould be written as:
Ladies-and-gentlemen()
{
Flash-and-flash-hard(“Hello World”);
}
And yes, we are witnessing truly inspiring times when the Pietersens and Hoggs try out their hands on mike, and then shift back to the national jerseys. And I suspect Afridi knew what was coming on later during the Aussie tour of Pakistan in 2010 with two front foot no balls and decided to part ways early.
All-three-results-are-possible-out-here()
{
In-the-end-cricket-is-the-winner(“thunderous applause”)
}
Disclaimer: The writer cannot be held liable if you decide to believe all the ‘facts’ stated above!
