In this month's satire, Muhammad Tahir channels the Dear Leader himself, talking about the achievements of his first year in power.
Dear Mitron,
In case you didn’t see the customised suit I wore during President Obama’s India trip, my good name is Damodardas Narendra Modi. I am a Hindu nationalist and your beloved Prime Minister. You may have been surprised by the word “beloved” I just used, but that is what I believe I have become for you. I have no reason to believe otherwise because my extremely efficient advisors tell me this every morning; even our highly influential media tells me this every day. Zee News makes me cry when I see people worshipping me. So, when there is no doubt left in me that you absolutely love me as your Prime Minister, you too must not doubt that I am nothing but your beloved Prime Minister.
I made some very important changes in the governance model. I changed the name of the Planning Commission of India to NITI Aayog. The Planning Commission was Nehru’s Russian bullshit. Besides, its name was too long and bereft of any melody. “NITI Aayog”, on the other hand, is soft and silky, like the voice of Meena Kumari. Most importantly, it is purely Sanskrit, and thus reflects our national identity. Congresswalas were and will always remain half-baked Indians. It is one of my main aims to wipe out the shit they have created in the last six decades.
The Planning Commission was Nehru’s Russian bullshit. Besides, its name was too long and bereft of any melody. “NITI Aayog”, on the other hand, is soft and silky, like the voice of Meena Kumari.
As I told you already, Congresswalas have this peculiar habit of enacting odd legislations with long and boring titles. For instance, in 2013 they enacted “The Right to Fair Compensation and Transparency in Land Acquisition, Rehabilitation and Resettlement Act”. For Bhagwan’s sake, pray tell me, how are we going to attract foreign investors when they have to face such tediously long and tongue-twisting laws? That is why I set out to make changes in this Land Acquisition Act that I believe is a shitty business of business-unfriendly Congresswalas.
I have promised a grand ‘Make in India’ project, which will see our Tata and Birla and Reliance and Adani producing world-class products. I will bring foreign companies to India who will set up their industries all over the place, and to make this a reality I can go to any lengths. I have already amended Section 10 (A) of this law, which will save my Armani-clad, elite educated investors from having to see and negotiate with the sunburnt faces of illiterate farmers. I have included so many areas in the list of five categories of projects, which do not require Social Impact Assessment (SIA) that I can even acquire people’s latrines without giving a shit. I don’t understand why we need the assent of 80 percent of the landowners for land acquisition and what is this thing called Social Impact Assessment. This SIA thing is untranslatable in Hindi, so how can it be implemented in India? I think even our kisan bhailog don’t know what the heck these stringent clauses are all about. The Congresswalas are only creating unnecessary hindrances in my plans. This crybaby Rahul baba says Modiji is anti-farmer. Hey Bhagwan! I think he is Congress’s wrong number. I want to make a promise here: my project is inclusive development; it is as they say sab ka kalyan. If our kisan bhais cannot find bread, I will provide cake for them.
Another great achievement of mine is that I provided an enabling atmosphere for the promotion of the Hindu culture and values. My ministers frequently scare hell out of mullahs and isais who are hell bent on changing the nature of our mahaan Bharat by engaging in vicious love jihad and missionary activities. Now our virat Hindu members cut them to size every day and everywhere, and show them their right place in India. During the six decades of Congress misrule, these mullahs had been appeased too much and showered unnecessary privileges, as you might have yourself read in the Sachar Committee report.
How dare these firangis show our virat society in such bad light! They cannot teach us lessons in culture and laws. We have khap panchayats older than their Stonehenge.
Previously, our virat bhakts had to face some hardships after hacking a few mullahs and isais here and there, but no longer. In fact, now all virat Hindus, who make up over 80 percent of India’s population, don’t feel insecure in front of the 14 percent mullahs, not even their slumdog millionnaires. So emboldened and confident are our virat Bhakts now, that in my first year in office, they have launched 600 attacks, serving a good dose of Hindutva to one and all. It was also me who declared the most important Christian day, 25 December, would be celebrated as ‘Good Governance Day’, not in honour of Jesus Christ, but in honor of my Hindutva guru Shri Atalji. On the first anniversary of NaMo Raj, our virat bhakts have even penned a new anthem for Hindutva: Do not fear/Namo is here/Mullah-Isai, see it clear/Hindutva is now everywhere.
The strong wave of Hindutva has rattled the whole world. It is because of me that my mitra Barack Obama had to quote Article 25 of our Constitution on religious freedom, that the US Commission on International Religious Freedom had to issue a report this year on violence against the Indian minorities, that the US Congress’ Tom Lantos Human Rights Commission had to call for public hearings on minority persecution in India.
During the Congressi misrule, foreign-funded NGOs had grown dangerously; they are not only anti-development, but vehemently anti-NaMo. But I instructed Marshal Rajnathji to kick their ass. He assured me prompt action and blacklisted some 69 NGOs from receiving foreign funding under the Foreign Contributions (Regulations) Act. As if there was not enough minority appeasement already happening, some 15 of these NGO’s were doing some kind of minority welfare thing. I made sure that that Greenpeacewali Priya Pillai was not allowed to harm our national interest by attending some kind of environment conference in London. Foreign agent BBC tried to malign our noble country by showing a propaganda documentary India’s Daughter, but my good-self swiftly swung into action and got it banned. How dare these firangis show our virat society in such bad light! They cannot teach us lessons in culture and laws. We have khap panchayats older than their Stonehenge.
Through my very obedient cabinet minister Shrimati Smriti Irani, I got the student group Ambedkar-Periyar of IIT Madras derecognised. These unruly students were criticising me and my noble policies. It seems they didn’t know that Modi wave had swept India in May 2014 and the new mantra is: Bharat me rehna hai, toh NaMo NaMo kehna hai.
I am very happy with Shrimati Smritiji’s work so far. She is so obedient and forthcoming that sometimes I feel she does not even exist. Our party’s soothsayers have assured me that she will not do an Advani on me in the foreseeable future. So, I am safe as far as she is concerned—but only Bhagwan knows Jaitley’s mind.
It was also me who rejuvenated pride among virat Bhakts about our rich heritage of poppycock and incredible nonsense. Which other Prime Minister ever dared to introduce a book in government schools like Tajomay Bharat, which speaks about our ancient Vedic inventions and discoveries like television, plastic surgery, stem cell research, interstellar planes and cars?
If that jhaduwala joker had not stolen my party’s election in Delhi, I would have made all birayaniwalas there dance on the bhajans of Anuradha Paudwal.
It was my good self who got beef banned in the states of Maharashtra and Haryana. If that jhaduwala joker had not stolen my party’s election in Delhi, I would have made all birayaniwalas there dance on the bhajans of Anuradha Paudwal.
The Congresswalas accuse me of spending most of my time on foreign tours, but they don’t know why I have undertaken these trips so frequently. As you might know, I was accused of sleeping with Babu Bajrangi and some other people when my state Gujarat was burning in 2002. The Congresswalas and some foreign-funded NGOs had started a vicious campaign against me, which had many countries deny me visas; my image was dented immensely. Now through these foreign trips, I am seeking to change that image and make myself more acceptable and welcome in foreign countries.
The Congresswalas had for long spent, nay wasted, too much money on unproductive sectors. It was I who made sure that there should be at least 20 percent cut in the healthcare budget which will save us some Rs 6,000 crore and around Rs 4,000 crore slashed from the higher education budget. As your Pradhan Sewak, it is my Rashtradharma that I take care of taxpayers’ money and spend wisely. That is why I purchased 36 overcharged Rafale jets from France, whose President extended awesome hospitality to me by taking me for a ride on River Seine. More jets will follow—around 120 of them. We have tough neighbors to deal with, so as a nation of virat bhakts, we have to sacrifice a lot. That could also mean the lives of 300 million Indians that the UN says live in “extreme poverty”.
Yours, etc.
NaMo
